For most people, dealing with distressing experiences, such as anxiety, depression, and memories of sexual abuse, takes a lot of our energy. At times it might feel like it takes all you’ve got just to stay afloat, leaving not much left over for anything else. In order to get ourselves in a better place to deal with these difficulties, and life’s problems in general, it is worth putting some time and energy into identifying and living by your values; that is, what you stand for as a person.

Our values act as a kind of reference guide or compass for who we are, how we act in particular situations, and where we want to go in life. If we possess a clear sense of purpose and direction, and act according to our values, then we are less likely to feel overwhelmed or be knocked off course when we experience challenging situations.

What are ‘values’?

Values are life-concepts that are important to us. They might be based on how we were brought up, on religious or spiritual tradition, on a particular sense of ethics, or an approach to life that we have adopted along the way.

There are no right or wrong values, and they are different for everyone. One person might most value being genuine in relationships, honesty, and having a good work ethic, while another’s values could consist of ‘giving people a fair go,’ being creative, and ‘always doing my best.’

Whatever the history of our values, they are essentially our sense of the (subjective) right way for us to live. When we act in accordance with our values, we generally see our life as purposeful and meaningful.

Tips for identifying your values

We usually hold our values implicitly; in other words, we don’t often consciously think about and name our values in a structured way. By identifying our values, we establish a basic guide for us in our life.

Take some time to think about the following areas of life, and try to identify a word or sentence or two about what is important to you; what kind of person do you want to be and how would you like to act in these areas of life?

We have included some possible suggestions of common values below. Keep in mind there is a lot of overlap between the life domains and the values themselves; most values can apply to several life domains at once! This is just a very rough guide.

Some examples

Family	Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want Fairness: to be fair to myself or others Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard
Relationships	Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself – emotionally or physically – in my close personal relationships Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love or strong affection Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable
Parenting	Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
Friendships	Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with others Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable towards others Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself or others
Study / Learning	Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve Creativity: to be creative or innovative Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from other’s points of view, and weigh evidence fairly Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience Skilfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
Work / Career	Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated Order: to be orderly and organised Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others, e.g. taking charge, leading, organising Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
Leisure	Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences Excitement: to seek, create and engage in activities that are exciting, stimulating or thrilling Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others
Spirituality	Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture or cultivate beauty in myself, others, the environment Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
Community	Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or others Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice-versa Justice: to uphold justice and fairness Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
Health	Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and wellbeing Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
Personal wellbeing	Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met Sensuality: to create, explore and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses

Keeping a record of what you value and how you want to live your life can be useful. Once you have created a record for yourself, the next step is to start to take some small steps that make these values an every-day part of how you live and act in your life.

Values related goals

While values are very important, the thing to keep in mind about them is that they are ideas, not behaviours. Once you have identified your most important values, it is helpful to then engage in behaviours that move you towards those values. This means committing to things you can do that are in line with them.

Identify an action or behaviour that will bring your life more in line with a particular value. For example, if a value of yours is “self care,” what are some self caring behaviours you can commit to and engage in on a regular basis? Do some SMART goal setting for each and every value that is important to you. Often you will then notice an increased sense of wholeness, of being true to yourself, and an improvement in your wellbeing.

Managing expectations

This approach to life does not mean we are never confronted by difficult situations, unwelcome thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. It is just our focus is on calming and centring ourselves and acting in accordance with what we have established as our preferred, valued way of living life.